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Old year reflection

December 30, 2006

It has been more than two years since I learnt to know and love Vipassana. More than four years since I got introduced to Anapana. More than one year since I stopped thinking about suicide. More than two years since I decided to try to be a vegetarian.

Where am I now?

I still practice Vipassana, although not daily.
Most of the times I am a vegetarian, although seldom I do eat fish or meat.
Suicidal thoughts are still absent from my mind.

And further?

Here comes the difficult question :). Years ago my parents waved me goodbye and wished me good luck when I entered university, hoping for a professional once I graduated, and got instead a human coming home.

Should I be grateful that I have a troublesome life? In a way I would say yes, since I believe that everyone, including me, needs a turning point so that we seek a way to make our life better. Not quantitatively but qualitatively.

Before I met Vipassana I did not have a bad life according to normal standard. Yet, deep inside I was miserable, full of anger and hatred, anxiety and sadness. I did not even understand the purpose of my life.

Am I free of anger now? Well, I am no saint, of course I still get angry sometimes. However most of the times I catch myself just in time since I am aware how it all gets started. Now that Vipassana practice makes me aware not only of my physical condition but even more important of the mental one, it is true what they say after all. When you generate anger you hurt yourself first and foremost before you can aim it at someone else, and you know what? It hurts like hell.

The thing I like most about growing spiritually is the possibility to grow endlessly, there is no finish line at the end. The last year I also notice something else, when you grow through Vipassana practice, you also become gentler and friendlier. If you look in a mirror it seems like your face lines turn softer. Not that you become a softie, since you really need an iron discipline to keep the practice. I personally experience that I am getting better in being at peace with myself.

How about you?

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