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Farewell Suicidal Thought

September 11, 2005

In April this year I came to Vipassana centre to serve instead of to sit. A few weeks before the course started, I called my parents to say good bye.

During my second 10-day Vipassana course which ended yesterday, a realization dawned on me. Since April I’ve ceased thinking of suicide.

I remember that I’d had suicidal thought since I was 4 years old . I was so unhappy that I wanted to jump from a bridge (which would have caused me some fractures at the most actually). I ended up going to see a psychologist at a very young age. Until the thought stopped 5 months ago, I’d had such negative thought for no less than 22 years long.

What cause(s) suicidal thought? I always thought that it’s caused by external factors. They certainly play a role in it, but not a central one. If a person is miserable, he is going to affect others who happen to come in contact with him. Yet, it’s become clear to me now, that my suicidal thought caused by hatred against myself, a very deep hatred that I wanted to destroy myself.

During the course in April, I experienced some very strong sensations (sankhara) related to the hatred. I understood then that if I want to be happy, I have to break the old habit pattern. Thanks to Vipassana, I’ve broken the vicious circle.

May all beings be happy.

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