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August 28, 2005

Two days ago was my last day in the clinic, and I hope it’ll be my last one. Despite the fact that I’m still distressed with my portfolio and frantically in need of a job, I can say that one period of my life (student life) is almost over. It’s supposed to be one of the most beatiful time of your life, but to me the last three years were like hell. I started to feel uneasy with my study in the 3rd year when I had my first internship. In the first half of the 4th year I had yet more doubts.

In the same period I got a big dispute with my mother. Later I thought that it’s partly due to my I-am-not-welcomed-at-home feeling, that my mother also had her part in it. She on the other hand prefers to blame someone else, just like the myth, “Diseases are always spread by strangers.”

Tonight I come to realize that the real problem was mine. I was unhappy with my study, confused and didn’t know what to do then. It was my own sankhara (mental/ karmic formation).

It’s true what the assistant teacher told me then, “It’s sankhara, sankhara, sankhara.” It has always been your own shankara that causes your suffering.

Yet, I am amazed that I need almost three years ex post facto and one year Vipassana to understand that. Am I such a slow learner?

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